Original Answers Before Edited by Elves....

Deer Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer
Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy all yeer.

Yer Friend,
Billy

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Dear Billy,.
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in
lawncare. How about I send you a book so you
can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your older
brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell.

Santa

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Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing
I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah

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Dear Sarah, .
Your parents smoked pot when
they had you, didn't they?

Santa

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Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for
Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and
daddy to get back together. Please see
what you can do.

Love, Teddy

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Dear Teddy, .
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen
door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that
up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass
constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me send
you some Legos instead.

Santa

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Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation 3, a train, some
G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis

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Dear Francis,.
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays.
I bet you're gay. I'll set you up with a Barbie.

Santa

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Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree,
and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the
back door.

Love, Susan

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Dear Susan, .
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer
fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want
to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of Scotch.

Santa

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Dear Santa,
What do yo! u do the other 364 days of
the year? Are you busy making toys?

Your friend, Thomas

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Dear Thomas, .
All the toys are made in China . I have a condo in Vegas
where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno
films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the
asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the
craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.

Santa

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Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really
know when we're awake, like in the song?

Love, Jessica

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Dear Jessica, .
Are you really that gullible?  Good luck in
whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.

Santa

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Dear Santa,
I really want a puppy this year. Please, please,
please, PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one?

Love, Timmy

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Dear Timmy, .
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks,
but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a
sweater again.

Santa

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Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house.
How do you get into our home?

Love, Marky

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Dear Mark, .
First stop callling yourself "Marky", that's why you're
getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't
live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex.
Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does,
through your bedroom window.

Sweet dreams,
Santa

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