Stick-Figure Work Life Balance

Here is a funny stick-figure video about the dire consequences of not maintaining work/life balance. Enjoy!

Funny Poem about Motherhood

Found this funny poem about motherhood. Enjoy!

* * * * * * *
Ode to Motherhood

Where did they go -
My beautiful hips,
look at what's left in their place....
Two handles of love
is what they say,
with stretch marks all over the place....

Where are they now
my perky firm breasts,
Oh there they are down there.....
Pointing towards my ankles
and knees,
hoisted up by the bras that I wear....

What happened to
my lovely smooth thighs,
They're covered in cellulite bulge...
they're thick and they're round
and it can't be from
all of the chocolate that I indulge...

I've said goodbye
to my firm and tight butt,
which is now as flat as a board....
It droops down to there
it hasn't a care
Yet it once seemed to be so adored....

There's no more nails
to paint blood red,
to be adorned with many gold rings....
They're cracked and chipped
and broken now
I no longer have time for such things....

But wait, what is that?
It's my fifth son's first smile,
and look it's because he loves me...
To him I'm the best
and most incredible thing
That his little eyes ever did see....

There'll be time later on
once he's all big and grown,
and he's got his own life to live...
For me to be sexy
and get it all back
But for now there's so much to give..

© Paula Pawson 2006

How We Met

Fun video - very creative!

William Tell Overture for Moms

If you are a mom, you've got to watch this!!!

Several of my mom friends sent this to me. OMG, I laughed, and laughed, until tears came out!!! Hey, some say a good belly laugh equals crunches. This definitely counts -- all 2 minutes and 55 seconds of it! LOL!



Your Action Challenge: After you're done laughing, pass it on!

In Praise of Green Beans

Tonight's dinner was rice, rotisserie chicken and sauteed green beans. LK and CB love the chicken, but turned their noses up about green beans. That's not a surprise -- in my 10+ years as a mom, I haven't personally met many kids who love green beans or green peas, or any green veggies, for that matter.

In order to get them to try different vegetables and to make vegetables a regular part of their diet, I've set a rule since they were little. My rule is, they have to finish whatever vegetables I serve at dinner time (I mean the portion I put on their plate). It's OK if they don't finish their rice/noodles or protein (usually chicken or fish, which they love anyway), but they have to finish their veggies.

They both know that's my rule, and there's no way around it.

So, they'd complain (or whine) from time to time, but they do finish their veggies, and even learn to love some of them. For example, LK and CB love corns, carrots, snow peas, cabbages, Chinese bean sprouts, celery, cucumber, and spinach. They just don't like green beans and green peas. And broccoli is something they love sometimes and hate sometimes, depending on their moods.

Anyway, we had green beans tonight, and, not surprisingly, they both groaned when they saw that on the dinner table. Their mood was quickly lifted by the golden-brown honey rotisserie chicken, and they started to joke about how yucky green beans are. The other day, I shared with them that someone who lives in Indonesia sent me a special acrostic made from my name. That must have made an impression on them. Before I knew it, LK started writing an acrostic of beans on a sticky note, right at the dinner table.

This is what LK wrote:

Boring
Ew!!!
Atrocious
Never will eat
Salty

She even took out a dictionary to look up "atrocious", just to make sure she got the right word she was looking for. Then she read it out loud for us:

"Atrocious, adjective, very bad, outrageously cruel".

"Yup, that's the word", LK said, satisfied with her choice of word.

How can innocent little green beans be "outrageously cruel"? Beats me!

Now, CB always loves to follow his big sister's footprints. Of course, he'd have to write an acrostic too! So this is what CB came up with:

Black souls
Ewwww!
Astonishingly gross
Never'll eat, ever
Sardine-like taste

We were all cracking up!!! LK exclaimed, "You don't even know what sardines taste like!!!"

CB shouted back, "I imagine they would taste as gross as green beans!"

We laughed until tears came out!

"OK, guys, now it's time to finish your green beans!!!" I hate to break up a party, but we had to finish dinner and move on to other tasks before bedtime.

Much to my delight, this time, the kids finished their green beans without further complaints. :-)

3 Men Who Walked on Water

Do you really know your theology?

3 MEN IN HISTORY WALKED ON WATER

The 1st one was Christ ...

The 2nd one was the apostle, Peter ...

Then there was this guy, Jose ...




Need I say more? :-)

Carnival of Family Life 1-Year Anniversity Edition

The Carnival of Family Life is celebrating its 1-year Anniversary at its founder Kailani's blog An Island Life this week. There are a whopping 61 submissions this week!

I have participated in a lot of blog carnivals, and I can honestly say that the Carnival of Family Life is one of those that consistently host high-quality articles. I'm very happy to be part of this 1-Year Anniversary edition this week. Make sure you go over there to check out those wonderful (and some downright hilarious) articles at the Carnival of Family Life this week!

Unhealthy Competition?

NEVER HEARD CREATION EXPLAINED THIS WAY BEFORE! FUNNY!

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?"

And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, b uttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center in to chi ps and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald'sand its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMOs.... (and you can guess what happened to Man)

Gonna Be A Bear

As the frigid weather lingers, how I wish I could be a bear sometimes....

A Riddle

A friend of mine sent me this. See if you can get the right answer.

--------------------------------------
Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.

Michael J. Fox has a small one.

Madonna doesn't have one.

The Pope has one but doesn't use it.

Clinton uses his all the time.

Bush is one

Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.

Liberace never used his on women.

Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.

Cher claims that she took on 3.

We never saw Lucy use Desi's.

What is it????

(The answer is in the Comments section)

For Dr. Seuss Fans

Jersey Girls

A friend of mine sent me this. I got a good chuckle out of it since I live in New Jersey too! Gotta love them Jersey girls. :-)

------------------
Three men were sitting together in a bar bragging about how they had given their new wives their duties.

The first man had married a woman from Alabama and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning.

He said it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were done.

The second man had married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. On that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Jersey girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and telephone a landscaper.

Funny New Year Resolutions

Ahhh, it's that time of the year again! If you're like most people, you have written a brand new list of New Year Resolutions. But, do you know that most people fail at keeping their New Year Resolutions? A study (from University of Scranton, PA) showed that among the millions of American women who resolve to lose weight on New Year's Day, a quarter of them will go back to their old ways WITHIN ONE WEEK! Yikes!

While I was surfing the net, I came across these New Year Resolutions for Internet Junkies. How many of these can you relate to (or have you resolved to)?

Some people keep making the same New Year Resolutions with a twist year after year. This is what happened to one guy when he looked back on his "Year of Resolutions..."

What are your New Year Resolutions for 2007? If you keep making and breaking your New Year Resolutions year after year, I highly recommend that you come to my FREE Teleclass "The 5 Master Keys to Keeping Your New Year Resolutions". There is no charge for the class, but you must register in order to receive the conference call number (bridgeline) and access code. Hope to "see" you on the call.

Original Answers Before Edited by Elves....

Deer Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer
Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy all yeer.

Yer Friend,
Billy

adfghcbadfghcb

Dear Billy,.
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in
lawncare. How about I send you a book so you
can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your older
brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell.

Santa

tvRTIbPASDFGHJKBM

,

Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing
I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah

adfghcbadfghcb

Dear Sarah, .
Your parents smoked pot when
they had you, didn't they?

Santa

tvRTIbPASDFGHJKBM

,

Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for
Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and
daddy to get back together. Please see
what you can do.

Love, Teddy

adfghcbadfghcb

Dear Teddy, .
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen
door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that
up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass
constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me send
you some Legos instead.

Santa

tvRTIbPASDFGHJKBM

,

Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation 3, a train, some
G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis

adfghcbadfghcb

Dear Francis,.
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays.
I bet you're gay. I'll set you up with a Barbie.

Santa

tvQTIbPASDFGHJKBM

,

Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree,
and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the
back door.

Love, Susan

adfghcbadfghcb

Dear Susan, .
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer
fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want
to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of Scotch.

Santa

tvQTIbPASDFGHJKBM

,

Dear Santa,
What do yo! u do the other 364 days of
the year? Are you busy making toys?

Your friend, Thomas

adfghcbadfghcb

Dear Thomas, .
All the toys are made in China . I have a condo in Vegas
where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno
films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the
asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the
craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.

Santa

tvQRTIbPASDFGHJKBM

,

Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really
know when we're awake, like in the song?

Love, Jessica

adfghcbadfghcb

Dear Jessica, .
Are you really that gullible?  Good luck in
whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.

Santa

tvQRTIbPASDFGHJKBM

,

Dear Santa,
I really want a puppy this year. Please, please,
please, PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one?

Love, Timmy

adfghcbadfghcb

Dear Timmy, .
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks,
but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a
sweater again.

Santa

tvQRTIbPASDFGHJKBM

,

Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house.
How do you get into our home?

Love, Marky

adfghcbadfghcb

Dear Mark, .
First stop callling yourself "Marky", that's why you're
getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't
live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex.
Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does,
through your bedroom window.

Sweet dreams,
Santa

adfghcbadfghcb

 

Riddle

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.

On your left side is a 'drop off' (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is another galloping horse. Both horses are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

For the answer click and drag your mouse from star to star.
* Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round. *

A Man Who Knows His Math

* Like I wrote before, women are grumpier in the morning....

---------------
He writes:

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.

This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out is window and gave the woman the finger.

" Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.

That's 96 miles each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.

Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.

There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.

That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the res t of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.

That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.

Statistically, females drive half of these.

That's 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.

That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.

That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.

That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.

That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that ha s a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.


Give her the finger? I don't think so.

Carnival of Family Life is up at GNMParents

The Carnival of Family Life is up today at GNMParents. As usual, there are so many wonderful and some outrageously funny posts on parenting, family life, kids' funny behaviors, etc. And because holidays are approaching, there are quite a few posts about holiday preparation, family traditions, managing holiday stress, etc. I also submitted Pressure-proof Your Holidays and Thanksgiving Feast for Squirrels. Check out The Carnival of Family Life today!

Thanksgiving Feast for Squirrels

Over the Thanksgiving weekend, my son uncovered a whole bag of acorns in his school backpack that he had collected, every morning, at the bus stop last month. He had totally forgotten about them until now. Thinking it would be a waste to simply throw them away, considering how much time it took him to collect these acorns, I suggested that we think of a way to make a better use of these acorns.

I was pleasantly surprised when he suggested that perhaps we could offer these acorns to the squirrels in our backyard. Cold winter is upon us, and he thought they would appreciate some extra supplies of food.

Of course, my son wouldn't just put out the acorns on the deck. He decided to offer a Thanksgiving Feast in style for our little furry friends. So he asked me for two styrofoam bowls and paper plates, and set up two dishes of acorns on our deck, right outside of the kitchen glass sliding door.

Then we waited, and waited, and waited some more, for the squirrels to come to their surprise Thanksgiving Feast.

The first few hours, there were no takers. They might have come when we were out running errands, but we didn't see one single squirrel near those bowls. My son went to bed disappointed.

The second day the kids went back to school. While I was sitting at the kitchen table, talking to my cousin on the phone, it happened!

The first squirrel timidly approached the bowls of acorns. It sniffed at the acorns and looked around, as if to check if this was a trap. It finally decided to pick up an acorn and hurried off.

A few minutes later, the second squirrel (or perhaps the same one) came and ran off with another acorn. The word must spread quickly within the squirrel community, because pretty soon, there was a steady stream of traffic to our backyard acorn feast. Our two cats Katie and Whisper quickly noticed the commotion on the deck. They gathered in front of the screen door and watched the "show" with intense interest. You can tell if there was a squirrel approaching by observing which direction their little heads turned.

At one point, one unsuspecting squirrel got too close to the glass door, stood up and found itself face-to-face, only inches apart, with two big cats! Both cats and the squirrel jumped with startle. It was so funny to watch!

The squirrels took turns to pick up the acorns, and then rushed off to bury them in the backyard. I could see that some of them were buried in our flower bed, and some by the utility shed. They must be overwhelmed by this unexpected Thanksgiving gift.

Of course, I wouldn't pass up this Kodak moment. I've got to make sure I get some good pictures to show my kids, when they come back from school. Here are some of the pictures I took.

Katie (on the right) and Whisper

After taking the pictures, I took the bowls inside. I wanted the kids to see how the squirrels enjoy their Thanksgiving Feast with their own eyes. So, after they came home from school, I told them what happened during the day, and showed them the pictures in my camera, then we put the bowls back on the deck.

It took a while, but the squirrels finally came back for more. We ate our afternoon snacks, while enjoying this live entertainment, made possible by my son's act of kindness. My heart was filled with abundance and gratitude. I hope my kids' did, too.

(By the way, it took the squirrels almost the whole day to move all the acorns. When we woke up the next morning, the bowls were all empty.)

GO GET YOUR MAMMIES GRAMMED

This is hysterical! Make sure you read the whole thing. There is a serious message at the end, but you get to laugh on the way there.

------------------------
GO GET YOUR MAMMIES GRAMMED

For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them.
And give them monthly tests.
So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore my bra.

After 30 years of astute care,
My gyno, Dr Pruitt,
Said I should get a Mammogram
"OK," I said, "let's do it."

"Stand up here real close" she said,
(She got my boob in line)
"And tell me when it hurts," she said,
"Ah yes! Right there, that's fine."
She stepped upon a pedal,
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate came slamming down,
My hooters in a vise!
My skin was stretched and mangled,
From underneath my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish Pancake thin.
Excruciating pain I felt,
Within it's viselike grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit!

"Take a deep breath," she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?!?
My chest is mashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.

"There, that's good," I heard her say,
(The room was slowly swaying)
"Now, let's have a go at the other one."
Have mercy, I was praying.
It squeezed me from both up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet SHE'S never had this done,
To HER tender little hide.

Next time that they make me do this,
I will request a blindfold
I have no wish to see again,
My knockers getting steam rolled.
If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have gone "ker-pow!"

This machine was created by a man,
Of this, I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick their "you know what's" in there,
And see how they come out!!
--------------------

OK gals now that you have had your laugh, remember...
Breast Cancer Awareness.

Go have those boobs checked out and stay healthy! Pass the message on to your mothers, sisters, daughters, aunts, cousins, friends, and even your enemies. Because the WORST enemy is Breast Cancer!

Bungee Jumping in Mexico

Alice and Frank were Bungee jumping one day. Alice says to Frank, "You know we could make a lot of money running our own Bungee-jumping business in Mexico." Frank thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. When they had finished, there was such a crowd, they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration, so Alice jumps.

She bounces at the end of the cord, but when she comes back up, Frank notices that she has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Frank isn't able to catch her and she falls again, bounces, and comes back up again.

This time, she is bruised and bleeding. Again, Frank misses her. Alice falls again and bounces back up.

This time, she comes back pretty messed up -- she's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

Luckily, Frank finally catches her this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"

Barely able to speak, Alice gasps, "No, the Bungee cord was fine... it was the crowd! ........

What the HELL is a pinata?!!!!!!"