Happy Holidays!

Wishing you and your family a joyful holiday season!

Love in Action

"Christmas, my child, is love in action... every time we love, every time we give, it's Christmas." -- Dale Evans Rogers, 1912-2001, American Movie Star, Singer and Songwriter

The spirit of holidays is sharing and giving. There are a lot of people who are less fortunate than us. Why not find a worthy charity to send your donations or volunteer for a good cause during the holidays?

One of the charities I've supported for more than 10 years is Plan (formerly ChildReach). Plan was founded in 1937 and its mission is to achieve lasting improvements in the quality of life of deprived children in developing countries. Plan began as a child sponsorship organization. Today, they are one of the oldest and largest organizations of its kind— their grassroots, self-help programs assist more than 10 million children and their families in poor communities around the world (63 countries). The money received from a child's sponsor not only goes to the child & his/her family, but also goes to improve the overall quality of life for the entire village the child lives. They have programs to help the families become financially self-sufficient, and provide better health care, education, water quality, etc. for the entire community.

The girl in the picture is my "sponsored child" Tran Ly who lives in Vietnam with her parents and little brother. Isn't she beautiful? I've sponsored her since she was less than 1 year old, and now she is almost 12. Since I started sponsoring her, her family had built a new house (they were so proud of it) and their village had also made much progress in many areas, with the help of Plan's programs and resources. Plan mailed me progress reports, letters from her parents, Ly's drawings, and Ly's pictures several times a year. Their volunteers translate our correspondences to each other, so we can stay in touch. It's been a very rewarding experience for me. Ly is only 5 months older than my own daughter. I hope someday we can visit her & her family in Vietnam and she can meet my daughter too.

What's your favorite charity and/or volunteer work? This holiday season, find something worthy of your support, and invite your family and community to get involved too.

Original Answers Before Edited by Elves....

Deer Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer
Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy all yeer.

Yer Friend,
Billy

adfghcbadfghcb

Dear Billy,.
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in
lawncare. How about I send you a book so you
can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your older
brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell.

Santa

tvRTIbPASDFGHJKBM

,

Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing
I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah

adfghcbadfghcb

Dear Sarah, .
Your parents smoked pot when
they had you, didn't they?

Santa

tvRTIbPASDFGHJKBM

,

Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for
Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and
daddy to get back together. Please see
what you can do.

Love, Teddy

adfghcbadfghcb

Dear Teddy, .
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen
door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that
up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass
constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me send
you some Legos instead.

Santa

tvRTIbPASDFGHJKBM

,

Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation 3, a train, some
G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis

adfghcbadfghcb

Dear Francis,.
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays.
I bet you're gay. I'll set you up with a Barbie.

Santa

tvQTIbPASDFGHJKBM

,

Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree,
and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the
back door.

Love, Susan

adfghcbadfghcb

Dear Susan, .
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer
fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want
to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of Scotch.

Santa

tvQTIbPASDFGHJKBM

,

Dear Santa,
What do yo! u do the other 364 days of
the year? Are you busy making toys?

Your friend, Thomas

adfghcbadfghcb

Dear Thomas, .
All the toys are made in China . I have a condo in Vegas
where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno
films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the
asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the
craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.

Santa

tvQRTIbPASDFGHJKBM

,

Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really
know when we're awake, like in the song?

Love, Jessica

adfghcbadfghcb

Dear Jessica, .
Are you really that gullible?  Good luck in
whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.

Santa

tvQRTIbPASDFGHJKBM

,

Dear Santa,
I really want a puppy this year. Please, please,
please, PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one?

Love, Timmy

adfghcbadfghcb

Dear Timmy, .
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks,
but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a
sweater again.

Santa

tvQRTIbPASDFGHJKBM

,

Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house.
How do you get into our home?

Love, Marky

adfghcbadfghcb

Dear Mark, .
First stop callling yourself "Marky", that's why you're
getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't
live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex.
Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does,
through your bedroom window.

Sweet dreams,
Santa

adfghcbadfghcb

 

Riddle

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.

On your left side is a 'drop off' (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is another galloping horse. Both horses are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

For the answer click and drag your mouse from star to star.
* Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round. *

A Man Who Knows His Math

* Like I wrote before, women are grumpier in the morning....

---------------
He writes:

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.

This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out is window and gave the woman the finger.

" Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.

That's 96 miles each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.

Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.

There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.

That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the res t of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.

That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.

Statistically, females drive half of these.

That's 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.

That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.

That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.

That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.

That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that ha s a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.


Give her the finger? I don't think so.

Carnival of Family Life is up at GNMParents

The Carnival of Family Life is up today at GNMParents. As usual, there are so many wonderful and some outrageously funny posts on parenting, family life, kids' funny behaviors, etc. And because holidays are approaching, there are quite a few posts about holiday preparation, family traditions, managing holiday stress, etc. I also submitted Pressure-proof Your Holidays and Thanksgiving Feast for Squirrels. Check out The Carnival of Family Life today!

Please support Breast Cancer Patient Protection Act

Call to action: Please sign the petition for "Breast Cancer Patient Protection Act of 2005"

If you know anyone who has had a mastectomy, you may know that there is a lot of discomfort and pain afterwards. Insurance companies are trying to make mastectomies an outpatient procedure. Let's give women the chance to recover properly in the hospital for 2 days after surgery.

There's a bill called the Breast Cancer Patient Protection Act which will require insurance companies to cover a minimum 48-hour hospital stay for patients undergoing a mastectomy. It's about eliminating the "drive-through mastectomy" where women are forced to go home just a few hours after surgery, still groggy from anesthesia and sometimes with drainage tubes still attached.

Lifetime Television has put this bill on their web page with a petition drive to show your support. Last year over half the House signed on. Please visit the website below to read more about this, and sign the petition to show your support.

This is an important legislation for ALL women! If there was ever a time when our voices and choices should be heard, this is one of those times.

PLEASE!! Sign the petition by clicking on the web site below. You need not give more than your name and zip code number.

www.lifetimetv.com/health/breast_mastectomy_pledge.html

This takes about 2 seconds. PLEASE PASS THIS ON to your friends and family, and on behalf of all women, THANKS!

Thanksgiving Feast for Squirrels

Over the Thanksgiving weekend, my son uncovered a whole bag of acorns in his school backpack that he had collected, every morning, at the bus stop last month. He had totally forgotten about them until now. Thinking it would be a waste to simply throw them away, considering how much time it took him to collect these acorns, I suggested that we think of a way to make a better use of these acorns.

I was pleasantly surprised when he suggested that perhaps we could offer these acorns to the squirrels in our backyard. Cold winter is upon us, and he thought they would appreciate some extra supplies of food.

Of course, my son wouldn't just put out the acorns on the deck. He decided to offer a Thanksgiving Feast in style for our little furry friends. So he asked me for two styrofoam bowls and paper plates, and set up two dishes of acorns on our deck, right outside of the kitchen glass sliding door.

Then we waited, and waited, and waited some more, for the squirrels to come to their surprise Thanksgiving Feast.

The first few hours, there were no takers. They might have come when we were out running errands, but we didn't see one single squirrel near those bowls. My son went to bed disappointed.

The second day the kids went back to school. While I was sitting at the kitchen table, talking to my cousin on the phone, it happened!

The first squirrel timidly approached the bowls of acorns. It sniffed at the acorns and looked around, as if to check if this was a trap. It finally decided to pick up an acorn and hurried off.

A few minutes later, the second squirrel (or perhaps the same one) came and ran off with another acorn. The word must spread quickly within the squirrel community, because pretty soon, there was a steady stream of traffic to our backyard acorn feast. Our two cats Katie and Whisper quickly noticed the commotion on the deck. They gathered in front of the screen door and watched the "show" with intense interest. You can tell if there was a squirrel approaching by observing which direction their little heads turned.

At one point, one unsuspecting squirrel got too close to the glass door, stood up and found itself face-to-face, only inches apart, with two big cats! Both cats and the squirrel jumped with startle. It was so funny to watch!

The squirrels took turns to pick up the acorns, and then rushed off to bury them in the backyard. I could see that some of them were buried in our flower bed, and some by the utility shed. They must be overwhelmed by this unexpected Thanksgiving gift.

Of course, I wouldn't pass up this Kodak moment. I've got to make sure I get some good pictures to show my kids, when they come back from school. Here are some of the pictures I took.

Katie (on the right) and Whisper

After taking the pictures, I took the bowls inside. I wanted the kids to see how the squirrels enjoy their Thanksgiving Feast with their own eyes. So, after they came home from school, I told them what happened during the day, and showed them the pictures in my camera, then we put the bowls back on the deck.

It took a while, but the squirrels finally came back for more. We ate our afternoon snacks, while enjoying this live entertainment, made possible by my son's act of kindness. My heart was filled with abundance and gratitude. I hope my kids' did, too.

(By the way, it took the squirrels almost the whole day to move all the acorns. When we woke up the next morning, the bowls were all empty.)

GO GET YOUR MAMMIES GRAMMED

This is hysterical! Make sure you read the whole thing. There is a serious message at the end, but you get to laugh on the way there.

------------------------
GO GET YOUR MAMMIES GRAMMED

For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them.
And give them monthly tests.
So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore my bra.

After 30 years of astute care,
My gyno, Dr Pruitt,
Said I should get a Mammogram
"OK," I said, "let's do it."

"Stand up here real close" she said,
(She got my boob in line)
"And tell me when it hurts," she said,
"Ah yes! Right there, that's fine."
She stepped upon a pedal,
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate came slamming down,
My hooters in a vise!
My skin was stretched and mangled,
From underneath my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish Pancake thin.
Excruciating pain I felt,
Within it's viselike grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit!

"Take a deep breath," she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?!?
My chest is mashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.

"There, that's good," I heard her say,
(The room was slowly swaying)
"Now, let's have a go at the other one."
Have mercy, I was praying.
It squeezed me from both up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet SHE'S never had this done,
To HER tender little hide.

Next time that they make me do this,
I will request a blindfold
I have no wish to see again,
My knockers getting steam rolled.
If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have gone "ker-pow!"

This machine was created by a man,
Of this, I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick their "you know what's" in there,
And see how they come out!!
--------------------

OK gals now that you have had your laugh, remember...
Breast Cancer Awareness.

Go have those boobs checked out and stay healthy! Pass the message on to your mothers, sisters, daughters, aunts, cousins, friends, and even your enemies. Because the WORST enemy is Breast Cancer!

Bungee Jumping in Mexico

Alice and Frank were Bungee jumping one day. Alice says to Frank, "You know we could make a lot of money running our own Bungee-jumping business in Mexico." Frank thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. When they had finished, there was such a crowd, they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration, so Alice jumps.

She bounces at the end of the cord, but when she comes back up, Frank notices that she has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Frank isn't able to catch her and she falls again, bounces, and comes back up again.

This time, she is bruised and bleeding. Again, Frank misses her. Alice falls again and bounces back up.

This time, she comes back pretty messed up -- she's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

Luckily, Frank finally catches her this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"

Barely able to speak, Alice gasps, "No, the Bungee cord was fine... it was the crowd! ........

What the HELL is a pinata?!!!!!!"

Carnival of Healing #60: Echoes in Eternity

This week I am hosting the Carnival of Healing #60: Echoes in Eternity on Intensive Care for the Nurturer's Soul, and it's up today!

Carnival of Healing is a weekly round-up of personal Web sites and blogs on the topics of holistic health, wellness, spirituality, and self empowerment. This week there are 14 great articles to help you heal your body and nurture your soul. So go over there now and check out the Carnival of Healing #60: Echoes in Eternity.

Top Ten Uses for Duct Tape

I saw this post "Top Ten Uses for Duct Tape" on Thrifty Mommy and it gave me a chuckle. I've never heard of the Duct Tape Book, but I was amused by some of the examples in the article. For example:

6. Remove roadkill while keeping your hands clean.

Ewww, I hope I'll never have to do that! But I guess duct tape would make a good alternative to latex gloves if you're desperate!

8. Who needs to know how to sew? Duct tape hems pants and skirts in a jiffy!

The author actually admitted that she once fixed the hems of a formal dress when pressed for time, and it worked wonders! :-)

Can you think of other creative and/or wacky ideas to use duct tape?

Once upon a time, insults had class!

Once upon a time, insults had class! Yes, you can effectively express your less-than-flattering comments about others WITHOUT using any bad words.

======================

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." - Abraham Lincoln

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second...if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response

"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." - Jack E. Leonard

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." - Robert Redford

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." - Thomas Brackett Reed

"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them." - James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

Shrinkeeze

Could your name reveal a certain obsession your parents have? Find out if yours is "one of those" names.....

===========
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.

He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy"

At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers:

"Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

You Know You Are Living In 2006 When ...

A Light Look At A Technical World
by Anonymous

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list

Let me guess: you are tilting your head sideways and smiling at the computer screen right now. Am I right? : )

Worms

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol -
Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke -
Dead .

Third worm in chocolate syrup -
Dead .

Fourth worm in good clean soil -
Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation:
"What can you learn from this demonstration?"

Maxine was sitting in the back, she quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink,
smoke and eat chocolate,
you won't have worms!"

Signs & Notices

I saw this McDonald sign on Rt. 10 while we were driving home from apple picking, and just had to take a picture.

Now tell me: Would you try this new item on McDonald's menu???

Below are some other funny signs & notices:

On a Plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."

On the trucks of a local plumbing company: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."

Carnival of the Mundane XXII: Treats and Some Tricks

Carnival of the Mundane XXII is up at Philly Transplant. I LOVE how Sparky (the carnival host) presented the carnival. He threaded all the carnival post titles & author names into an one-act play called "Treats and Some Tricks", in honor of upcoming Halloween I guess. How fun and creative -- two things I love!

Miss Morning Grumpiness

I came across this article on ChinaDaily, titled "It's official: Women are grumpier than men in the morning"!

I got a kick out of reading this artice, based on a recent research by The Sleep Council. A woman from The Sleep Council was quoted as saying, "Men know better than to rub their wives the wrong way in the morning and have their heads bitten off, for 6 in 7 women are in a foul mood after waking up", and they stay grumpy longer (up to 4 hours) than men. In contrast, the survey revealed, a quarter of men never wake up in a bad mood. Wow, that's a significant difference!!!

The survey author speculated that women's Morning Grumpiness comes from restless nights caused by stress & worry, and possibly worsened by the fact that women shoulder most of the morning household chores. Twenty-eight percent of women as opposed to only 5 per cent of men do housekeeping before going to work. What do men do? Obviously they only have to get up and go out. Seventeen percent of men surveyed said it only takes them 10 minutes in the morning to get ready. It's a completely different story for women.

You know the morning mad dash... trying to get your kids AND husband ready for school and work, making sure everyone is fed (including the pets) and dressed, and lunches are packed. If you also work outside of your home, you're probably at the bottom of the priority list. So you probably try to put on your makeup, eat breakfast, listen to news, coordinate childcare arrangements (and who knows what else) while driving to work. Oh, I remember those days. I used to drive 1 1/2 hours (one way) to work for 2 years (we lived in MD and I worked in VA) ..... all through my first pregnancy and the first 10 months of my daughter's life.

I'm SO not a morning person, which makes the morning dash even more challenging. In winter months, I had to leave the house while it was still dark outside, and drove home in the dark too. When it snowed, the commute was even more stressful. That was kinda depressing, SO sleep-deprived and not seeing much daylight. Even though I tried to enjoy my commute by listening to tons of audio books, motivational CDs, and my favorite music, if I have a choice, I would never again choose to spend 3 hours of my day on the road, away from my family. The stress alone is not worth it.

Because of my commuting experience, I have so much more patience and compassion for other commuters, and also more cautious while driving around them. After reading this article, I will be even more careful driving in rush hours or dealing with potentialy grumpy women when I go out in the morning.

After all, I wouldn't want to risk messing with Miss Morning Grumpiness. LOL